the struggles of doctrine vs emotion

Lately my life has been chaos. My father and sister lost their licenses, my mother was diagnosed with chronic fatigue, I've been in a legal battle for my home because my landlord is so sick and her *cough* possibly evil senile OCD mom *cough* wants me out this weekend. Work has not even been able to cover wage cost, there is not enough of us to cover any sickness, I have been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and IBS. I have not made any friends in the last year here, and I'm tired. I'm done.
     So what do I do? therapy. What does therapy do? It makes me admit that I am a Bisexual christian with a learned distrust of organised religion and codependency issues because of the alcoholism I grew up around. The thing it doesn't do is tell me how to fix it.
    I searched the bible over and over, trying to find why I've been taught these feelings are wrong, and turning up evidence that the feeling itself is not wrong, not my fault, and not my choice. What I found instead is love. Yes, the emotions that come along with that confession are tough, but the emotion and feeling are not wrong, acting on it is. More so because I have an amazing man that I am going to marry.
It's still so strange that all the christian stigma is about sex. Premarital? The bible DOES say that you should be faithful; but think about this. They got married at 13. How freaking old are they when they start? Scary. Gay? eeeewww Sodom and Gomorrah! well, they didn't know about germs, or condoms. and God seems to want us to have kids. Does that make not having kids wrong? Well... it may seem that way in some circles. Sodom's sin, according to Ezekiel, was pride. Every single person struggles with pride. Our sense of self gets in the way of everything.
A lot of the rules set out were primarily about bodily safety. They didn't know about HIV. They weren't allowed to eat shrimp because they didn't know if they prepared it wrong, they would die of food poisoning. The rigorous hand washing? Again, they were slaves. They had no idea how to keep themselves healthy, and vaccines didn't exist.
    I do not feel that it's wrong to feel attraction, its acting on it. It's not wrong to be angry, Its wrong to act out on it. You will and can be forgiven, but its best not to make it a lifestyle.

Confessions of a Pornographic Generation

     Colossians 3: 2 Let heaven fill your thoughts; don’t spend your time worrying about things down here. 3 You should have as little desire for this world as a dead person does. Your real life is in heaven with Christ and God. 4 And when Christ who is our real life comes back again, you will shine with him and share in all his glories.5 Away then with sinful, earthly things; deaden the evil desires lurking within you; have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires; don’t worship the good things of life, for that is idolatry. 6 God’s terrible anger is upon those who do such things. 7 You used to do them when your life was still part of this world; 8 but now is the time to cast off and throw away all these rotten garments of anger, hatred, cursing, and dirty language.

        Colossians 11 When you came to Christ, he set you free from your evil desires, not by a bodily operation of circumcision but by a spiritual operation, the baptism of your souls. 12 For in baptism you see how your old, evil nature died with him and was buried with him; and then you came up out of death with him into a new life because you trusted the Word of the mighty God who raised Christ from the dead. 13 You were dead in sins, and your sinful desires were not yet cut away. Then he gave you a share in the very life of Christ, for he forgave all your sins,14 and blotted out the charges proved against you, the list of his commandments which you had not obeyed. He took this list of sins and destroyed it by nailing it to Christ’s cross. 15 In this way God took away Satan’s power to accuse you of sin, and God openly displayed to the whole world Christ’s triumph at the cross where your sins were all taken away.

      I was introduced to porn when I was seven. I was at a friend's house playing dressup games when an ad for "Russian dolls" came up. The Internet was relatively new then, and we didn't know about viruses or popups, so my reaction was just "I don't think my mom wants me to see this." To which my friend replied "Close your eyes then." From then we roleplayed with our barbies what i know recognise as oral sex. How does an eight year old see this stuff? It became a premature and unhealthy sexualization of my childhood, which is what i think my parents were trying to protect me from. It didn't work. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know what to do about it. Fast forward a few years, skipping forced kisses, bad jokes, stories from friends about rape and pregnancy and fear.

I was 16 and my "boyfriend" introduced me to sexting, and I later found out he was constantly cheating on me, and because we were long distance, I couldn't know what was happening, and I wasn't going to compromise what i believed. But I retaliated with the virtual version, porn.

       Through much of these years from seven to 17 I struggled with guilt and depression, not necessarily linked, but possibly influenced by porn. I thought I was ugly and undesirable, that my worth is what I can do not who I am. people asked if I was Lesbian simply because I abstained. Some of my fears about porn are these. It's unrealistic, and acts like a drug. Once you have it you want more. Its unglorifying to those around you, and those on screen. What if my theoretical future husband wants to look at those girls more than he wants to look at me? What if we want more than the other can give? How long will it take for you to cheat in real life if you live these fantasies in your head? What if i believe the empty sex is all love is? Does it fuel rape, prostitution, violence? Does it make us feel unworthy? What if your children see it? We as humans are conditioned to want sex, but I want it to be beautiful when it happens, not full of fear or frustration. 

      I am now 20, and I want to live for God. How do I do that when these images are branded in my head? How do I respect my  future husband? Is it possible for him to respect me if he has a similar struggle or if he doesn't understand my story? Nearly everyone in our generation has this problem. We are naive, introduced to a good feeling, and then trapped. Pornography is our drug. We don't need to be shamed, pitied, or called names. I want our peers and our leaders to stand for purity, grace and respect. I believe in marriage, one man and one woman. Not rape or porn or lust, or the sex trade. Not objectifying or leering. I don't want that in my world. I want true love. True respect. 

pain

I haven't updated in a while, because i feel i have nothing worth people listening to. but I have to do this for me. I hurt. I have anxiety, depression, and fatigue and pain from pretty much whatever I eat. work has been hard. long distance engagements have been hell. loneliness is pretty much my best friend at the moment, and i am so tired. so very tired. but i have something to learn. i don't know what, but it doesn't matter. i know its worth it even if i cant see it. it has to be. I'm not on this earth for pain. I'm here for something bigger and better.

climbing mountains

The last month and a half have been crazy when it comes to change. I moved to Calgary late November, turned 20 on December first, and started a job the very next day. Within three weeks I had been transferred, worked boxing day and Christmas eve, moved again, and hosted my family at my new place.
     As amazing as it has been, moving on and being a so called "contributing adult," It's a challenge. A brand new town, new job, new roommates, and a world full of strangers just going along in life has thrown me into a bit of confusion and disconnect. I'm really enjoying Urban Barn, (the job) and I've been making decent sales, but what I truly want to make is friends.
    God is truly showing me how his planning goes, and I trust that even in the transition stage of life, with the budgeting issues and transit and loneliness, He's got something big and amazing coming this year. For now, I'll push myself to excel and connect. I've made myself some goals this year to help me deal with the changes, so my depression doesn't go haywire :P   I feel as if everyone should take a bit of it home, it really helps me with anxiety and productivity.

- Read a chapter every day. (I do bible, you can do self help, fantasy, whatever. It helps to calm you down and focus)
- Save a small percentage (I have a fairly tight budget, but ice cream and emergency funds are a must)
-Invest a small percentage in the future. (wedding plans, travel, school, all included in this)
-Choose one thing to excel at this week (it could seriously just be cleaning the toilet)
-Do one art piece a week (I love art. It channels my emotions in a positive way, and helps me relax and function. You could choose anything that makes you happy. go jogging, bake a cake, take some selfies.)
-Learn something every week ( I do Khan academy finance courses. they've really helped me out in the renting/budgeting thing.)
-When youre stressed, fearful, frazzled, or inexplicably sad, do these things-
- list good things in life (fluffy puppies, hot sauce, blankets)
-list your virtues (diligent, helpful, can stick my tongue out and touch my nose)
-three good things that happened today
-list what may have triggered the negative emotion, then attempt to fix it. you'll feel better even if all you do is understand why you feel this way.
-eat, shower or nap. even these little things help you feel like a human instead of a blob of despair.
- talk to someone you love. (call your mom!)
Yeah, maybe it seems over the top, but it helps my brain when I feel like an overloaded circuit. It may not help everyone, but it might be a step towards it. If this is what I need to do to not shut down, its a good thing to do. Everyone has coping mechanisms. My sister's is reading, my moms is rearranging furniture, my best friends is fudge brownies. Its not bad to have them, just remember that they are not everything. don't hide in them, because it does consume you if you do. And yes, this is also a letter to myself.